I have some exciting news!
(No, I’m not pregnant. Jeeze! Every time I say “exciting news” this happens.)
We are going on a real vacation! Sometime in the near or distant future (I’m not saying when. This is the internet, people. Statistically, a third of y’all are creeps.), we will embark on a seven day journey through the Eastern Caribbean. The Caribbean!! This will be my hubby and I’s first real vacation as a married couple. Yeah, it’s about dang time.
I’ve been to Hawaii, but that was 10 years ago. I haven’t seen the ocean since 2008, and that was the Adriatic Sea—beautiful, but not tropical. The ocean has always been my favorite place. Growing up, we spent a lot of time on the California and Oregon coast. Beautiful. And cold.
This is where this post ceases to be relatable to persons of the male persuasion. Sorry, guys. You can keep reading, but you’ll probably just leave shaking your head in confusion.
Okay, ladies. As all of you know, any tropical vacation includes a few different things. Tanning. Flip-flops. Sundresses. And bathing suits.
Bathing suit shopping.
Here is a brief list of things I’d prefer to do:
Poke myself in the eye.
Run out of gas on a busy highway.
Drink black coffee.
Be stranded on a desert island with only a Justin Bieber album for company.
There you have it. Obviously, those are a bit exaggerated. (Justin Bieber?! Please, God, no!!) But relatively speaking, those are all welcome alternatives to examining the fit of a hideous suit in a three-way mirror. All you ladies know what I’m saying. (See, guys? Not relatable. Sorry.)
I waited until the end of the season because sales. The cost of garishly printed spandex is really a thing of shame, America. Just saying.
Well, I dropped my little one off at Nana and Papa’s and headed for the mall, optimistic as usual. The first store (which shall remain nameless) lured me in with a gigantic selection of brightly colored suits promising shaping, nipping, tucking, slenderizing, etc, etc. “50% OFF!” the signs screamed. But 50% off $100 is still not something I can stomach. I tried a few things on, then left in search of more promising empty promises because those were just a little too empty for me.
I tried four other stores before settling on two suits. At every store I’d think, “This is the one! I can feel it!” only to then be disappointed by my lack of intuition. You know what they say about women’s intuition? It doesn’t apply to bathing suit shopping. Also, when you have to look at a bathing suit and wonder, “How does this thing work?” something is wrong. Like a 5-year-old getting her shots, I promised myself ice cream when it was all over. The ice cream didn’t happen, but the thought sustained me throughout the process.
During this marathon of dressing rooms and disappointments, I noticed something: there are very few well-designed bathing suits for girls of any size. They either leave you feeling over-exposed, covered up like a nun, or accentuated in all the wrong places. (No, bathing suit, pointing out my love handles does not make you endearing. Go. Away.) This is free, ladies: One of you with a talent for fashion design should start a line of bathing suits for the normal girl—affordable, stylish, and without any sinister take-over-the-world-one-self-image-at-a-time inclinations. I mean, who designs these monstrosities? Seriously.
Once I’d found the two potentials, I did what any girl does—second guessed myself until I wasn’t really sure if I liked them at all. One more glance at the mess of a bathing suit section snapped me out of it. I made the purchase and ran screaming from the mall as fast as my little legs could carry me.
Needless to say, I’m glad this necessary evil is over with and I sincerely hope when any of you are subjected to bathing suit shopping you have a mom or sister or best-friend there for solidarity. (My mom was there via text. Saved my life, and the lives of several sales people.)
*steps onto soapbox* Remember, lovelies: We have to stick together against the evil forces of spandex and remember that WE are the definition of beautiful. We don’t change to fit the suits. They should be designed to fit us. *steps off soapbox*
Boys, if you’re still reading you should take this opportunity to give your wife/girl-friend/whatever an understanding hug. Even if you’re still confused. Trust me, it can only help. And if you throw in “You’re so beautiful!”, well, she’d be an idiot to not appreciate it.
Any funny bathing suit shopping stories?
I know you’re dying to share.
I HATE shopping for bathing suits!! I see every flaw and then some……then I go home depressed and going for a pint of Ben and Jerrys New York Super Chunk Fudge ice cream…..totally defeats the purpose of looking good in a swimsuit….but I need instant comfort and ice cream…ohhh and wine do that. haha
Yes to the ice cream and wine. It’s a sad coincidence. I think maybe we just need to get over it and rock the swimsuit. It’s certainly not as bad as we think it is…right? 😉
hmmmm….I have to disagree…..hahaha…..I use to have killer legs and now I see dimples in my thighs and wonder “what the heck happened?”….. then that little voice says “it was the hamburgers, soda …ice cream and wine you love so much!!” hahaha….. maybe I should start training for a mini two block marathon ….wonder if that will help shed some poundage…haha
I can totally relate! I bought a swimming suit (actually Nike tankini and bottoms) online, and had to return the “athletic” bottoms that didn’t really cover much! I depressed myself further by trying on different bottoms and suits, and I returned home to console myself with a bowl of ice cream! Swimsuit shopping is a form of torture! But I agree, at some point, you have to get over it and just be confident!
It’s truly self-inflicted. 😉
This is not what I want to hear, but I am pretty sure it’s true. We should just wear board shorts and surf shirts. That would solve a lot of problems. 🙂
Yes, precisely! Or do what the professor does.
Stay away from the beach?
No, just enjoy *from* the beach. But that’s the professorish way. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for a young lady such as yourself… 😉
I just bought a damn bathing suit and every time I put it on I’m still disappointed. I never find exactly what I’m looking for. Pinterest has what I want but for $300 I’d rather just go to Target, shut my eyes, point and buy.
Ugh. I feel I should drink just to make up for reading this post and being reminded of how awful of a task that can be.
Ah, the point and buy technique—a classic solution. Pinterest is evil. Sorry to remind you of the horrors of bathing suit shopping. Let’s have a glass of wine and think of better things! 😉
*pours two glasses* Fabulous idea.
You DO know that you might come BACK from vaca pregnant, right?! 😉
Have fun!!! Can’t wait to hear all about it!
(Love your list of things you’d rather do than bathing suit shop, btw!)
LOL! If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that….;)
Thank you! I’m super excited. And eating bugs is a good alternative, right?
You’d be a rich little mama! ;P
I’d eat those bugs right along side you!
I don’t think any man has ever tried on a bathing suit. We grab the first one we see and put it on for the first time right before we go to the beach. And regardless of how it looks, we think to ourselves: man I am a stud.
Haha! That is one of the incredible perks of being a man. As women, we are extremely jealous, and perhaps a little bitter.
Thanks for telling me the good stuff up front like the Caribbean and then warning me not to read the rest, because bathing suit shopping.
You’re welcome. I can only imagine how bitter that whole conversation would have made you.
It wouldn’t have been pretty.
I found the perfect swimsuit for my body at a TJ Maxx. I hate to say it but i paid fifteen dollars for it and was thrilled.
Not that I haven’t had my moments of man do I hate swimsuit shopping… I just couldn’t believe my luck in finding a suit that fit my body and didn’t feel like I was flashing the world.
Granted, I can’t imagine you in a suit that has the little “skirt”. Neither did I until I tried it on and it didn’t feel grannyish at all!
GOOD FOR YOU!! It’s so rare when that happens and we should all experience it at least once. 🙂 I’m sure you look like a million bucks and I hope you feel that good in it, too!
Well, so far we’ve established two things: 1) You’re not pregnant. 2) I’m one third creepy. 😉
Congrats on the awesome vacation plans, sounds amazing! My wife and I love the Bahamas, particularly Paradise Island. I hope that you’ll get a chance to see those islands. The Piña Coladas & Bahama Mamas are to die for.
As for women’s bathing suits? I still kept reading. Here are my two cents. I can’t justify having to spend more money for getting less of a product. The last time I remember shopping for bathing suits with my wife, I said to her, “Gee, they’ve even cut the back out for you. And it’s only $200.” Hmm, less material, more bucks. Sounds like pulling into a gas station lately.
Nowadays, I stay clear from when my wife’s buying clothes. I tend to confuse the matter by sitting there agreeing with everything she tries on. I’m too busy looking at the watch wondering when the torture will be over. But doing so means she makes informed decisions. I hear this most of the time, “I didn’t know which one to get so I bought them both.” She has good taste, so I don’t mind her spending the extra if it means keeping me out of the store. Besides, she always looks amazing, so I enjoy the fuss she makes in looking extraordinary. It’s the least I can do. 😉
Whenever you do end up going, have a fabulous time. I’m sure you’ll love every single moment! 🙂
It’s probably safe to say that we’ve all got a little bit of creeper in us.
You and your wife have a great agreement. My husband and I are the same. I don’t usually take him with me when I go shopping. He gets bored and it makes me feel rushed even though he’s always very understanding. It’s easier for both of us if I just go get it done (and, like you wife, get both items that I just couldn’t decide between!). “She always looks amazing…” you guys are adorable. 🙂
I’ll be providing far too much information and far too many photographs on this Caribbean excursion when it’s all said and done, I’m sure. You will all get tired of hearing about it…that’s the goal anyway.
Hey, I found your blog through Ben’s Bitter Blog, and I’m glad I did! Fun reads. 🙂 Can’t wait to read some more. Made me laugh.
I made the mistake of checking out your blog before I responded here. I laughed and then cried—like within two minutes of one another.
So nice to meet you! Looking forward to getting to know you better through your blog! 🙂
SUCH a funny post. i have one suit and it’s not the most fashionable. but it’s sporty and flattering enough. hopefully it will last a long long time. but i understand where everyone is coming from. i wish i were not so vain and could just enjoy swimming without worrying how i look. that’s just me. i’m not saying anyone else is vain:)
I wish the same. I’m steadily becoming less and less self-conscious, but it’s a battle isn’t it? I mean, we’re all at least a little vain. 🙂